How Unselfish Should We Be?

Figuring out exactly how unselfish you should be is tricky. One strategy would be to find the most giving person in the group—who, according to our research, would likely be the target of at least some resentment—and give at a level just below what that person gives. However, some people might find this a sneaky way to behave because you’re taking advantage of the fact that the most generous person is being criticized. Another strategy would be to determine what the typical level of generosity is in the group and give at that level. This would shield you from criticism, but for many people would be unsatisfying, and might often be difficult to figure out.

I suspect the best way to go is to make clear that you really value the entity to which you are giving so much of your resources. The issue that people in our studies were responding to was not that a person was giving a lot, but rather that the person was giving a lot without placing personal value on the entity itself. It’s OK to spend a lot of time helping to prepare a new bicycling trail in your town if you are a bicyclist, but it’s not OK to do it if you don’t ride a bike.

We found that others were happy with a person who gave a lot and then took advantage of the group’s success, so if you really want to get involved in the group’s project, you’ll help yourself by making clear to everyone that you, too, will benefit if the group succeeds. So, I’m helping groom the bike trail not because I ride a bike, but because I believe it will beautify this area of the city, and I value that. That would be a better message than “I’m doing this because I believe our town’s bicyclists should have a pretty place to ride.” It’s a nice thought, but apparently one that will rub a lot of people the wrong way.

My suggestion is not to make up a reason for why you’re helping, but rather to think carefully about what you value in the group project (you’ll almost certainly find something) and make clear that this is the reason why you’re involved. I suspect that if you do that, you can be extremely giving without fear of being seen as a do-gooder.

Craig Parks is a professor of psychology at Washington State University.